She screamed Love is such a Strong Word

I am not perfect;
But I try my best to be.
I have a tummyache, but today was basically a good day. :)Lots of smiles and giggles, and I think I'm in like. Life is lovely.

The only problem with today... well, I was walking through Kohls, and I went into the dressing room to try something on. And when I looked into the mirror, I saw something that terrifies me. Something I can't tell anyone about... and it's simply getting worse, and I haven't an idea about what to do about it. I stood for a moment just looking, startled at what I saw, until I felt kind of sick. I guess in a way, I'm okay with it. Only not really.. for some reason in the yellowish lighting of Kohls, it is always the first thing I notice. All I can think when I see myself is.. how am I going to tell any boy I fall in love with? How am I gonna get over it? Because it's simply something I cannot fix!.. And what I'm most scared about, is what you will say. Because I know you will not understand... and secretly your opinion does matter the most to me. At least right now. On and off I'm over you. But I feel so ugly some days. And I'm okay with how I am for myself, but not for anyone else. I didn't know how bad this could get, but I can tell it's just getting worse, and that scares me. Because like I said, there's virtually nothing I can do about it... except let it happen. and I don't know how bad it's gonna get.

Ohmygosh. Head. Hurting.
Yesterday was thanksgiving! It was wonderful to see everyone.. we all had a great time. I woke up wicked early thanks to my dad, but then I went to my aunt's for Breakfast. ^-^

OH EM EFFING GEE.
I have the jitters.
I only had one cup of coffee, though!! With.. two packets of sugar. :(
BUT OH MY GOD. Jitters. Jittersss!!
They make me DEPRESSED. Which is funny, because first I feel REALLY REALLY HAPPY and then I get jittery and nervous, y'know? LORD. But the happiness was WORTH it. >.>
WELL. I have much to update you about, my little journal that I never update, despite promising myself that I WILL update you.
This may actually take a few entries, BUT I believe I will someday actually accrue what has actually gone on in my life in the past.. while.
Well, anyways.
The first thing I'd like to talk about is... WELL. See, now I don't even remember half of the stuff that happened... and even when I do, it ends up being so much that its hard to update about. Actually part of me is tugging me away from this screaming, "no more, no more!'
In fact, I think that little part is beginning to win, as I have homework to do. So I will (attempt to) finish this later, I guess.
If I remember, which I never do.

Dearest darlingest SELF,
I have MUCH to update you about!
SO, I shall begin (And PROBABLY not finish, as always) here. I can't remember like, anything from half of the past couple of weeks, but you can probably check my internetz records and immediately figure that out! Um. Let's see. I began school, which is quite lovely. EXCEPT. One day the car decided to break down RIGHT on the Plantation

OHMIGOSH.
I suck so hard at updating this thing. I should be ASHAMED. May the GODS SHUN ME. *traces woodgrains on floor*
Erm.. If you were reading Xenocide by Orson Scott Card, you *might* get the reference. If not, then proceed with your sanity in tact.
So, I *know* I'm supposed to be writing something about something or other. But I am far too lazy to do this... anddd so instead, I am tactlessly floating around on the internets, beguiling my fellow internetzers with my stories of woe and compassion.

...Um. ALL OF THIS TEXT THUS FAR IS A LIE. Except the woodgrain thing, DAMMIT.
I wish I could update this!

Um, so. ABOUT THE BEACH. My parents and I went and we walked around, it was a gorgeous sunny day. We opted to go to the one in Rhode Island, so about a healthy mild hour away... and the ocean was perfect and it was beautiful out, it turned out to be a wonderful day. We went swimming for a little bit too, although that did not come until later!

As for my first couple of weeks of school, that's turning out lovely as well.

GOD.
Sometimes I wish it was easier to write when you were feeling down.
About how miserable you are n' stuff, at the VERY least. But when I feel down, I just don't feel up to writing in this little journal. In fact, I seem to *very* rarely want to write in here, despite my neurotic urging.
So here I am, attempting to write while I have sushi ginger juice pouring down into my sleeves and BLEEDING out of specific orifices in my body. It just feels like I don't have the energy to write, or even to think. I think its possibly because I'm tired 'cause I keep staying up to call and talk to Ocie, but maybe not. I honestly don't know. Maybe it's seasonal?  Maybe I'm just.. me.

Right now I'm just writing fluff to make it sound like I'm updating this, because I just don't feel like THINKING. 
Gahhh. Please, hands. Write. Let me write. Let me focus.

Anyway, lets see. What can I update you about?
The weekend before I started school, I went to the beach with my parents. It was very nice.

Well, despite my mood today was rather good. It was my first day of college life. I enjoyed it. Saw Chris Spinz and Ricky Sheehan. It was interesting? My speech teacher seems awesome. She reminds me of Whoopi Goldburg. She was the first teacher I had, and she brought coffee and donuts for all of us, and made us sit in a circle... she was very funny. I seriously wish I was in the mood to update this, though. I know I want to remember this stuff but I just can't bring myself to update things as well as I want to.. 

< / 3

Ever have one of those days where you know you dont have enough calories but you don't know what to eat to make up for it?
I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE NOW.

So, um.  I just woke up from the weirdest dream ever. My sisters were home, and I had meeko, and my dad was working in the garage, and a bear decided to take over the house.  So he broke in but my dad was pretty much no worries just stay out of the room he's in. Which I did. But he tried to break into my room and then i was like, OSHIT and held Meeks to protect him. And later on I went to the bus stop to look for Xing and then r ealized he was in Minnesoda and thats why I couldn't find him. Contrary to this, I called him on my cell-u-lar to talk to him for a bit. He didn't answer, instead is mother?  answered  and she was really happy, she said she'd heard so many good things about me and that Xing was really fond of me, etc, etc. but we could only talk briefly and I asked what his first stuffed animal looked like. And then I was in the woods and bumped into Jills niece and I can't remember EXACTLY what happened, I think I told her about the Bear. she ended up dropping all of this nice stuff on the ground that was designer and awesome. So a week later when Brig and I were there on a walk, I remembered and tried to pick it up, but most of it was covered in dirt.
Anyways, then he called me and I was all OHAIXING.
And he wanted me to come to his party, so I said sure.

At the party I found out he was a prince and he was searching for a bride. Later on he came up to me, not facing me, then he seemed to decide and he turned towards me with the ring, it came in two parts. I guess I accepted, 'cause I took it and then I hugged him for a really really long time. He seemed happy. And then he walked away and the party commenced.  But later I guess I changed my mind and I gave the ring back, realizing they wanted to marry us TODAY. o.o And then his parents hated me for the rest of the party. Like when it was time to eat, she said GO to everyone but me. Someone waved me forward but I smiled and said "No, thank you."

And then later when I did eat some guy was picking on me, I think. I was standing at the table and i tasted something - a whipped cream star. And he goes I want one. And I'm like "Do you mind if I touch it to give it to you?" and hes all "OF COURSE I MIND BLAH BLAH BLAH." And I think he was just jking and giving me a hard time.So I tried pushing the plate towards him and he was all NONO THATS NOT WHAT YOU DO now wipe your face! So i did and he laughed. And then at the end of the table was Xing's baby blankets/stuffed animals. And so it continued pretty much til I woke up..

I love how every time I update this thing, I just don't have the energy to write out everything that is on my mind, and it just never even begins to cover what happened in the week, and then the purpose of this journal remains somewhat invalidated. I still need to save all of the pages from my geocities account before it shuts down, but I have a feeling I'm gonna put it off until its too late just like my last journal, hah.

Today I visited Meeko and for the first time didn't have that dreaded feeling. I think I've finally been able to move on and heal and stuff. I still miss the lil guy but I'm happy for him where he is. :] It was nice seeing Jill of course.

Tomorrow I think I'll try doing a photoshoot with myself, although I look quite heinous so I don't know how that'll turn out. I'll more than likely share when it finally occurs. :] Right now I've been doing 15 miles or so on the stationary bike every day.. *trying to* Today was 17 miles...! hehe. Lately I've just been too tired to do anything. It seems that takes up the majoraty of my day for some reason, and I just don't.. WANT to do strength training. *cry* But I know I have to. :(

Oh SEE also called me, which was nice! :] I got to talk to him.. wheee. It was mostly me running my mouth about random things again... haha.  I'm usually the one going on and on. o.o

Why must I have a sister that is much thinner/prettier than me? Apparently right now she weighs 120...this was her when she was anorexic!

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
Who are young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people
And I want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their home
And I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
But then a strange fear gripped me
And I just couldn't ask

Take me out tonight
Oh take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
No, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out

Sometimes, I really ought to update this more often.
The past few days have been relatively exciting, I suppose. i don't know if I ever mentioned going to the Beach with Jill, but a couple of weeks ago I did. We went to Oxford Beach in Rhode Island, it was beaautiful. The corresponding sunset was also gorgeous, and I would totally show you if it weren't for the fact that they were .RAW files and I am far too lazy to convert and then upload. haha. But I digress. I took photos of it while we were on the road for the sole fact that it just reminded me of a painting, and because I finally have oil paints I can try painting a sky like that. It would be quite stellar.
I was depressed the entire day though 'cause I was still upset about Meeko, and that night I cried my eyes out about it 'cause Jill told me I could no longer have him back. So I was kind of upset for the rest of the day. But I had this lovely pizza that was SO yummy. Blackened shrimp pizza. Yummyyumyumtacular. ^-^ The girl that is her niece was gorgeous, though. Like super model. With white glowing teeth and a nice body and a pretty dress, and rich on top of it. So I felt disgusting. Because I AM disgusting looking. Aren't I just?

Anyway, last night OhSEE and I were on the phone until late at night. It was nice, I really adore him. He's such a brilliant person to be around, really. ^.^ On Saturday my parental units and I had plans to go to the beach, but unfortunately they fell through! There was supposed to be a hurricane, and the day before was tornado warnings! I must say it's been quite a summer weather wise. I really ought to be calling Quinsig to find out what my plans are for classes, but unfortunatley my lazy bones are in submission at the moment.
So, what ended up happening was Grace went over to Brigettes, and then Brigette and Grace walked in the rain and the heat to my house dressed in full grad garb. Quite an interesting feat. A couple of miles, anyway. Apparently someone stopped and was like "CONGRATULATIONS, college?" And shes like "Yes - wait, no. I just graduated from highschool." etc etc.

Anyway, at my house we proceeded to eat, play games, swim, etc. It was both of their first time actually swimming in my pool, which is amusing as we've been friends for like.. eight years. But that besides. You know. It was quite a lovely time, and then brigette asked me if I wanted to stay over in her zombie fort. So after I went to Brigettes, and then I slept over. We went online and shared the chair, both of us on AIM, and Ocie was like "I cant talk I'm at a party.' so she then proceeded to type shit to him like "OH MY GOD. JUST... GO." and freaking out and such. And he took it seriously so of course he was all o.o
And later he called and was pissed, to give you the abridged version.
So i called him the next day crying and left a message and he called me like an hour and a half later but i couldnt talk cause i didnt want to cry and make him feel bad and plus em was there and I didnt want to interrupt them.. and then he tried txting  me and we talked briefly and then went buh bye. o.o
So then before bed he called me 'cause I Imed him saying I was sorry for sounding like a dead turtle. Which is exactly what I sounded like so. xD

Brig and Grace in muh pool! The lens was steamed up from my AC...



Quinn smiling and giggling while his hair is a mess.



Grace gettin' dry!



Q-U-I-N-N Dryin' off.







On our way to get junk food at the VD!!



Cutie Patooties.




Brigette on the phone with Manda!

One night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away

both under influense
we had devine scent
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then releaf

ten days of perfect tunes
the colors red and blue
we had a promise made
we were in love

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough

and you, you knew the hands of the devil
and you, kept us awake with wolf teeths
sharing different heartbeats
in one night

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

So, I haven't been able to write as of late. And besides that, I have nothing too exciting to say! Except that even Lex-face kicked my ass in poem-making as well. :] She made this very pretty poem. We had an *interesting* conversation yesterday to say the least. Apparently she thought she was preggers or something and has that lovely disease that causes ones ovaries to have little zits on it. >.< Oh yes. Very exciting. Her and her boyfriend broke up and she's quite distraught, and I'm hoping she'll feel better soon. :( It's not exactly easy to feel not-shitty after a breakup. I can understand why she is so upset.
Seriously though, she always gets the most amazing boyfriends. This one snuck her out and they'd look at the stars together and such. :] Rather adorable, I would say. Actually, she was in my dream last night. The only thing i REALLY remember was that she was DROP DEAD GAWJUS and acting in a play. Or maybe racing? Anyway, all that matters is she kicked my flipping A.

Hello, hello and welcome.
TO THE MIND OF A MANIAC.
Okay. So, well, the other day Grace called up and was all OHAI. CAN IZ COMES OVAH? So, she, Brigette and I all got together and partied. Hard. Oh yes. Grace made us watch the Digrassi movie. Got my charger back (and prompty updated the pictures from my trip.)  And. What else, what else. We built an epic fort. And talked until we went to bed. Mostly about Dave. And Caiti. They nicknamed Dave the Austistic mexican rapist. Poor Dave. I'd explain more but I'm too lazy and tired. I will seriously update this, perhaps later.

So, I am unbelievably doing hardly anything, but I am happy it's friday! Even if my dorky boyfriend doesn't call me back. :] I've officially decided to love him less.
I'm listening to the hymns of the fayth from Final Fantasy X... they're actually quite lovely, in my opinion.I wish my font would behave and stay one size!

http://www.sparkpeople.com/ - Good website for fitness!

I'm SUPPOSED to clean my room pretty soon. :( I hate cleaning rooms.
I'm debating on what to do today. Kim has summoned me to help her soon moving stuff. And go to Panera.
And my lack of money makes this near impossible.

However I did finish editing another picture of her!



It's got its flaws but overall not too bad!
I feel like I've gotten stronger with portraiture, anyway. :]

Yesterday pretty much the only thing exciting that happened was I drove to Walmart with my dad.  And looked at some stuff. 
I got food. How exciting, eh? 

Which is why I must GO!
 

<3<3Cynnie

Oh, dear. Oh dear, dear. So let's just note the fantabulous-ness of this picture. Julia and I kickin' it in some amazing vibrating chairs. Whee! They like, wrapped around your legs and like.. kneaded them. But that's besides the point. They were friggin neat! That's from Geo Sam Julia and I going to the mall. :]
So. Today I could only get myself to burn 400 calories on the stationary bike. But lately I've been getting up to 700 or more. I've been re-reading the manga Nausicaa while I do so, however that tends to actually make me a tad less productive!

Today was probably one of the most lovely days I've experienced in quite awhile.
I've been working on constructing Alexa a mix cd. I'm trying to find stuff she'll like, although I'm not sure if she'll like anything I pick, hah.
Thus far, this is the playlist: (well, some of it. I picked about 99 songs and then I'm gonna narrow it down.)

<blockquote>Snakes On a Plane - Cobra Starship
Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
Into The Dark - The Juliana Theory
Coffee and Cigarettes - Augustana
Middle of Nowhere - Hot Hot Heat
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom
And Suicide Is Press Coverage - Panic! At the Disco
Lunacy Fringe - The Used
Lovesick Suicide - By the Wayside
9 Crimes - Damien Rice
I will follow you into the Dark - Deathcab for Cutie</blockquote>

You get the idea - etc, etc. I am using a lot of my old files I haven't listened to in a long time. Unfortunately, I can't exactly easily get new music, and most of my old files got messed up when I moved them to my new computer, as I downloaded them from my CD's which ALL happen to be lost now, and thus they're all >:u GIVE MEH LICENSE. And I'm all BUT YOU ARE LICENSED, BETCH. Unfortunately, they always seem to win this argument regardless of my input!
I know, right?
Whatta ho!

So yesterday, Geo picked up Sami, Julia and I and we all were DELIVERED to her party and aided her in moving stuff around. But mostly devoured her pizza. Delicious pizza, gosh darn it!
So, does anyone know why Doritos are so fuckin' good?
ANYONE AT ALL?
I can't seem to resist them. They're so tempting!
And I've been eating so well lately, that I'm ashamed of myself! Haha.
Well, minus today, which I shall express AFTER I am finished with my initial story, which I totally got off track of.
Anyway, I went to the par-tay. I think I'd rather enjoy showing you, but alas. I am much too lazy to upload my own damn pictures. You understand, eh?
Um, I can probably get some of Geo's though. Which are mostly mine anyway, as I got really bored during the party and took pictures with her camera! (it's so much more fun when its not yours! Even though her Olympus is SHIT. I can totally see why people steal though!)

I've been having a lot of ups down lately, but I'm hoping to stay within the vicinity of upness for the next few days. I felt down during some parts of the party to be honest, because when Sami logged into her computer (HER PASSWORD WAS ITALIA! HAH. Noting for future revenge reference. ;3) and her AIM autologged on. And I saw her buddy list and I was totally blocked! Pshhh. And she faked dumb about it. 

 julias like "i dont blame her, you IM us with weird stuff! I'd block you too." but i'd AVOIDED talking to this chick 'cause shes obnoxious.  she's the one that IMed ME. And sure, I prolly did a couple hundred D: to her sometimes but I do that to everyone.. it embodies my love! hah.
I guess it just kind of made me feel down 'cause it made me kind of feel unliked? I mean it'd be nice if she could've just SAID something to me, you know?
Anyway, while it was just us, we just sat around the really comfy chairs!  And when the rest of the people arrived we sat by the pool... and later made s'mores, etc, etc.

I left early 'cause I was there for like.. eight hours and then there was shitty music and stuff so I was done there.
Also, apparently Julia started doing pot. (Brigette told me, who was told by Grace, who was more than likely told by Lenell, who did it with her no doubt.) I can't say I'm really suprised.. but I am a tad siappointed in her! I worry about her.. and pots for the most part not such a big deal, but I really think she might be the type to become dependent on substances and it's just not a step in the right direction for her..
Regardless, she is probably happier now than she used to be, so whatever.

TODAY, I woke up at like, seven and I got red highlights in my hair. Again, normally I'd show you but alas, lazyness with teh cameraz.
And then I went on a picnic with my cousin, Kim. :] We went to this gorgeous place in Worcester, set down a blanket, ate, and then just lay down until like, three. It was very nice... very peaceful!
We had chips, and I made a toasted avacado hummus and cheese sandwich.
YUM!!!

<3 Cyn

Let it be known that with quiet frequency I happen to divulge myself into a PASSIONATE embrace with failure. Passionate indeed.
Here I am, hunched over, writing to you almost as if straight from the subtle geometrical scape that is Notre Dame.
HUNCHBACK, WTF, WTF.

OH EM GEE.
I've been quite busy as of late, so I have much to update you about! And right now its about how much of an EMPTY shell I am. AN EMPTY SHELL. 
I am an empty shell. An empty shell, an empty shell.
Nothin' but an EMPTY shell.
Whoaaa.
Yeah. So if you haven't noticed, I'm not all the way here...
AND NEITHER IS MY MOTHER EFFIN' CAMERA. Where is that hoe..
I'm too sad to sleep, too tired to weep, I'm stuck in a limbo writing love poems to sheep.

Um. So.
Friday was muy exciting. Me, Geo, Julia, and Sam-Bam went to the Solomon pond mall together. It initially was going to just be me and Geo but then we found out it was Julia's birthday so we were gonna drag her along, but then she wanted to bring Sami and Lenell but Lenell had work and Sami skipped the par-tay she was supposed to go to for us all to chillax. So we did, and Geo brought us in the horrific rain all the way to the mall, where we watched ice age and giggled over delicious caramel frappes from Starbucks. It was a really nice day but in some ways it went on too long--but suprisingly we were a good mix of people. Julia chopped her hair and her hair is rather short now, but it looks lovely on her! We had a great time, and it shall go into my memory bank as an exuberant experience. We laughed about stuff about Geo and Dan Moore 'cause shes all WE DID STUFF and we were like EWWW i cant believe i just touched your frappe!

She told me Dan was actually a really good boyfriend to her. Which suprises me because like.. the day before he broke up with her he made it sound like he never liked her and he thought she was ugly and just was desperate I guess.
But anyways, I was hoping to help her get over him a little more.

Also, maybe that Saturday? Maybe the Saturday before, I took pictures of my cousin Kim! We went out for the day, and it was awesome.






We planned to take pictures earlier in the day, but we ended up going to Walmart and doing some other things, including stopping at a farm. The farm boy was really nice to me and afterwards she was all HE WAS SO HITTING ON YOU. hehe. I was all *BLUSHBLUSH* but not really. He kept up a conversation with me 'cause I was like ZOMGTHEYHAVEBEEHIVESHERE and he was all YESS. And then we started talkin' and he asked about what college I was going to and such and what I was going into. We also ate at Panera :D
Later my other cousin called and we had to make our way to the movie theatre to watch "Harry Potter" together. It was decent, but they added some parts and took out others. Anyways, that was lovely, then after all of that she and I went to purgatory. I made a lot of jokes and tried to make her laugh n' stuff which made things a little less awkward for us but still a little awkward, and I tried telling her how/where to pose by posing first. She said she can't do my 'come hither' look though, heh.

Anyways, what else have we got?
I think i hung out with her the following Saturday to eat food. Delicious food. At a place LIKE Panera only it was in Worcestor. But anyway, last sunday Michelle, the parental units and I all spent quality time together looking at dinosaur fossils.
Anyway I think I shall continue this later, as I need a break from writing this.